Behind Closed Doors
by ChibiLaryla
Summary: Ever wonder what takes place within the lives of the Twilight characters that isn't mentioned in the novels? Silly Volturi meetings, deep conversations between Edward and Rosalie, Edward and Jacob becoming good buddies...all revealed by hidden camera.


This is done out of sheer humor and the need of satire. There is mild Bella-bashing below…just giving a heads up. This is for my buds over at the Amazon Breaking Dawn forum. D; You guys are awesome.

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**Volturi Meeting Number 35968**

It's was a bright and sunny day in the homey town of Volterra, Italy. The birds sang, people frolicked through the cobblestone streets, and the small woodland creatures were vigor and embracing their (usually) short lived life. And while the endorphins spread through the air like pollen, a black cloud of malice hangs over the main headquarters of our favorite royal vampire family.

Into the main turret room, figures donning jet black cloaks levitated around a large table that's conveniently placed in the middle of the room to move the plot. The music of an old Latin choir echoed through the large room to make our villainous troupe seem more ominous and terrifying. Assuming their positions around the large table, the one standing on the far north end raises his hand and all goes silent. Removing his hood the figure is revealed to be none other than Aro.

In a timely manner, all black caped figures removed their hoods and plopped down on wooden chairs that were also placed there to further the plot. Aro clapped his hands together and plastered a smile that only a six year old boy would use when trying to impress older women. "I hereby call this meeting to order!" he cooed.

Caius, his accomplice slouched next to him. He looked weary as he gazed upon Aro—his cheek rested on his palm. "I'm afraid to ask the reason for this arrangement today."

Sitting on the other side of Aro was Marcus who clutched onto a sketchbook. After a forty hour lecture by Caius on the benefits of communicating with comrades, he agreed to write his thoughts on a sketchbook to shut the old prude up. Marcus—being the bored, melancholic vampire that he is—gazed upward and decided to count all the little dots on the medieval ceiling.

Aro nodded excitedly to Caius. "Right, right—I wanted to discuss our agenda for this month. Let's see here…" he pulled out a scroll for his robe and stretched it out. "Umm… it seems we have a birthday coming up! Demetri! We will all pitch in and buy a special human-blood cake."

Felix—sitting on the other end of the table beside his buddy Demetri boomed out laughter. "I'll happily provide you with a stripper."

Demetri sighed, burying his head in his hands. "Just please don't make it cocoanut. I'm allergic to cocoanut. I can still remember my last birthday."

Heidi—who sat on the other side of Demetri snickered and crossed her long sultry legs. "It was very amusing to see to spew venom for all sorts of places for about a year." The burly vampire just moaned in agony.

Caius slammed his hand on the table, causing it to leave a few deep cracks. "Goddamnit, have we been reduced to a bunch of sad office workers? Should we install some white cubicles now and wear obnoxious neck ties while we're at it?"

The ringleader ignored Caius' comment. It wasn't the first time he had to complain about something. Aro became convinced a long time ago that Caius needs to bitch and moan about everything single thing in order to stay alive. "Alright Demetri, we'll keep the no cocoanut memo in mind." He marked a check on the margin of the scroll with a pink feathery quill. "Next is debate on the issue that has never been resolved for what seems like centuries. Should the official undergarment dress code be boxers or briefs?" He looked up and scanned across the table. "Well?"

All of a sudden, like a strike of lightning there was a flurry of motion. All the vampires around the table threw their arms in the air and began spouting out gibberish nonsense that seemed to mesh together like the screams of a group of harpies.

Caius clasped his hands over his ears and muttered a string of inaudible curse words. And Marcus just tuned all sound out while counting those dots—he was in his happy place. Aro—his hands shielding his would be bleeding ears—leaned forward towards Alec and smiled pleadingly. The small twin nodded once instantly understanding what he needed to do. And in an instance, as quick of the outburst began, all the other vampires dropped like flies. Some winced while others had venom drool dripping from their opened mouths.

The two black haired Volturi men regained their composure. Aro nodded to Alec and the boy in turn released the others from their vulnerable state. They too regained their composure and sat back down without saying a word. Aro cleared his throat and began again. "Well… we'll have to resume this subject some other time. Before I continue, is there any matter that one of you wants to bring up?"

Little Jane raised her hand and waved it excitedly. Aro smiled brightly and motioned her to speak.

"Umm you see…" she began. "I want to address the situation with the décor here." She fiddled with her fingers and bit her lower lip as if she was hesitant at speaking further. "I mean… is it really necessary to clutter this place with plastic plants and gaudy doilies?"

Aro gasped and was taken aback. "Oh dear! You don't like my decorations?"

"Oh dammit Aro!" Caius exclaimed. "We're supposed to strike fear in the hearts of all vampires! How the HELL are we going to be able to do that when there are fucking PETUNIAS at almost every corner!"

Felix piped up sheepishly. "Not to mention these doilies are so frilly and _pink_." He held one up in front of him and looked positively disgusted by it.

The ringleader blinked in confusion and tilted his head to the side. "I don't see anything wrong with it."

"Aro, you queermo, of course you wouldn't! You carry around potpourri and scatter it around the whole place like rose petals while skipping to the tune of "Skippity-do-dah" for Christ's sake! And don't EVEN get me started on your fucking Febreeze!" Caius sighed—utterly exhausted—and just gently placed his head on the table.

Everyone stared at the poor Volturi man in awe. Some secretly applauded his outburst (even though it wasn't the first time he exploded like that). Aro just grinned at his buddy. "Do you feel better?" he asked politely.

Caius released another sigh. "Yes."

"Good!" Aro clapped his hands together and retrieved his scroll. "Now to pick up where we left off." He glanced down at the cloth. "Next up is what we should do to the human girl, Isabella Swan."

Without lifting himself, Caius shot his index finger into the air. "I say we kill the bitch."

Aro faced his comrades. "All in favor?"

"Aye." Everyone responded on a dreary tone.

The cheerful leader checked the margin with his pink quill. "Alright then, we shall set a date and obliterate said Mary-Sue. Now for our final point…"

"OH THANK GOD!" exclaimed Caius—still with his head down.

"Our final point is discussing that of the holy tome." Aro reached under table and took out a cloaked, rectangular object and set it on the table. Out of curiosity, Caius turned his attention onto the mysterious object. All the vampires (with the exception of Marcus of course) leaned in towards the rectangle in awe of what it could be. Aro smirked. In one swift movement, Aro swiped away the cloth and revealed the object. Everyone's eyes widened.

"Oh my god." Heidi covered her mouth as her jaw dropped.

"That's not a holy tome…" Alec murmured.

"It's World of Warcraft!" Demetri shrieked excitedly as he pointed at the box.

"Ugghhh!" Caius groaned as he returned to his previous position. Not at all surprised at the stupidity his leader shows.

Aro slammed (not that hard) his hands on the game box, his tone suddenly became serious. "We need to discuss our tactics on the Castle of Forbidden Rainbows! We need to come up with a strategy to clear the field and collect the awesome reward! The Glittery Unicorn boss is simple IMPOSSIBLE to defeat when we all just charge in like a bunch of blind monkeys!"

"Well, I have my blood elf that can be used for support." Heidi advised.

"Pfft. Blood elves suck." Felix muttered below his breath.

"We need to have our tanks take charge while our archer classes cover us from the rear!" Demetri added; his tone equally as serious as Aro's.

"But the Glittery Unicorn excels in long range attacks!" Jane squeaked. "It would quickly take out our archers and support!"

Everyone debated on which tactic was more suitable for the malicious boss. Aro sat back and crossed his arms while he waited for the clamor to calm. The voices slowly died down until it was completely quiet. Aro cleared his throat and began to resume. "We will all just have to get online later on and practice our strategy. In the mean time I'm willing to call this meeting adjourned."

"Wait, wait." Caius sat up and faced Marcus. "We haven't heard you at all throughout this whole meeting. Have you no opinion on any of this?"

Marcus slowly lowered his head from its upward position. Maintaining his stoic expression he whipped out his sketchbook and began to scribble inside. He turned the book and revealed the following message.

'_I fucking hate you all._'

Aro simply chuckled. "Enough said. Meeting adjourned!"

**End**


End file.
